Honest Feelings

 

Looking Back:

I wanted to clear all the lies and let the truth come out. I have feelings of the hatred, neglect and disgust from all those who are there to otherwise love, help and protect me, but instead have hatred crawling through their systems. It hurts, it's extremely discomforting. I'm empathetic to it all. Forgiveness and compassion come to my heart and soul, beckoning.

 

It's better to be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not.

 

I am...

Blessed nonetheless that it might be hatred that I'm feeling against me, but not necessarily indifference, for indifference is not even a feeling; indifference is nothing.

Life can get hard. My conditions [Schizophrenia, PTSD, Personality Disorder - NOS, and of course my Tourette's syndrome] certainly enhance feelings, even if the feeling might be numbness. But, I am... confident that I am real. I believe that I love, and I have real human feelings.

I'm simply expressing my feelings.

Love.

-Jonathan Harnisch

Post Script:

I had emailed this particular blog post to my psychiatrist, psychologist, wife, and father.

[ One of very few Father blogs at: http://www.jharnisch.com/the-wounded-inner-child ]

The staff of caregivers and others who work on my property who are hired and paid extremely well to take the best care of me as possible, yet due to what I felt was malicious behavior by them directed to me [literally too grotesque to post the photos I had taken of what they did to me—and my “Hot Club” sanctuary— my transgressive fiction on this otherwise positive minded blog page is enough,] but I literally fear them; and therefore did not send them anything—as my “worst offenders”—I so wish I didn’t feel this way.

But I do.

Responses:

“I am here. 

I appreciate your honesty.

I like the real you. 

Peace

LAF”

[verbatim from my psychiatrist]

--

“I'm again suggesting, honey, that you meet with Dr. F., David, and me, so you know that you are being heard, and so that we all know that we are all on the same page. If Dr. F is free this Friday, we could meet when you and David meet. 

Will you do that?”

[verbatim from my wife whom I love sooo much]

--

“I agree with Maureen and Dr. F. We are all there for you, Jonathan. And you deserve to go easy on yourself, and enjoy your daily activities (e.g. making music). You're a good guy!

Incidentally, I have to go out of town from Fri. to Tues. I apologize for the last minute notice. I wasn't expecting to be gone for so long.

Jonathan, I'll be avail to speak this weekend if you need to. If you want to reach me, please call or text. Thanks,

David”

[verbatim from my psychologist—yet another celebrity doctor who appears on television often, like Dr. Drew and Dr. Amen… all past doctors of mine, mostly while living and working in Los Angeles. I think they get caught up with being what I often joke as being “media junky docs” - LOL]

Meanwhile:

As expected, no word from my father, he does continue to spend the money I earned as a teenager without thoughtful concern for investments that are in my best interests. This all feels so awful even to write this. To think it. To know it. I’m really “going through it,” boy oh boy…

I always wished... just to know my father. And to be known. I know nobody in my family and I continually feel that even my own doctors are, as my psychologist said “there,” but not “here” for me.

That’s what hurts the most right now. I will come through this.

Alone with my spiritual world, and iPod on, I am OK. I am. And I will always be Jonathan.

I appreciate this opportunity to share my courage and honesty. I am grateful for yours as well.

That wounded child, and stigma—both must be just a part of humanity, in a way, though it might seem deep and dicey.

'To the lucky few,' as the great Stendhal wrote, to those who really 'get' the whole angel-demon-human dichotomy I try so hard to present here on Porcelain Utopia.

Be well always.

Sincerely,

-Jonathan