012
It’s 4:30 PM, and I just woke up from a 2-hour nap. I think it’s clear that I need to get off the Risperdal sooner rather than later. For the past month or so, I’ve been introducing a new medication: Latuda, as I’ve been decreasing the Risperdal, and I think it’s time to decrease even more. I think the agitation earlier today—somewhere around 2:00 PM—was due to it, because I had taken the Risperdal around 1:00 and the Latuda probably about noon, maybe an hour before the Risperdal. I'm still tired but definitely feel less agitated! :)
I continue to rebuild the Porcelain Utopia website, and am making lots of progress, slow and easy.
I’ve asked my psychiatrist, Dr. F., if we can just cut the Risperdal an entire 1mg instead of only .5 mg this week. If not, I'll just take it at night. She seemed like she’d be okay with it on Thursday, at our last meeting. Once I’m completely off of the Risperdal, I can go up on Latuda if needed. I took all my PRNs (Klonopin, and Risperdal/Latuda) when I did because I felt too much energy at the time. I’m thankful to Maureen’s (my wife) helping with the PRNs; they put me right to sleep today. I had no idea I would sleep (especially as long as I did,) but I feel like I really needed it. I feel a lot better than before. So now it's time to get my mind positive, more and more, now that the physical symptoms are better, and I don’t want to go back to sleep right now, or else I would end up getting up at 11 or 12 midnight, and I want to have a good Day #6 of decent sleep as I continue this maze and "mess,” this schizophrenia.
Similarly the side effects of the meds, I think, are more a part of my daily dilemmas that I had thought. I am pretty sure that what happened today at 2:00 or 2:30 was a side effect, and same with the 2-hour nap. I mentioned this to Dr. F., so she can respond to my Risperdal question. What happened earlier was tough; as Maureen would certainly verify, I was "happy," as she said, which was very true, between my website work, my new Duran Duran CD and DVD, and hanging out with my stepson, Schuyler and his girlfriend, Franki. I am still waking up. (The PRN was I think a .5 Klonopin and a full Cogentin BTW).
Maureen, clarified the times and meds and how I became, but from my perspective, I did feel a major shift, and it went from great to just that "gross" (as I mentioned on Thursday to Dr. F) agitation, which again went from body to mind. Then later, I was so glad I was able to nap. I had been excited to see a movie with Maureen, and we still can this evening, I am still waiting for a response for a technical issue regarding the Porcelain Utopia site—it usually doesn't take this long. I’m a little worried, but everything should be fine. My plan now is to basically write this, ask my wife to take a quick look and edit anything that might need editing, and then see about the Risperdal.
I took all the Risperdal today and I do feel better (I’ve taken all of today’s meds now that it's 5:00 PM.) I'm going to listen to positive audio, while I rebuild some old posts on Porcelain Utopia. I have a perfect meditative relaxation track on my iPod to "maintain" as I call it, my positive mood (a charge, sort of a reset) so I can really overcome this disorder. And as much as Maureen and I are having "issues not connecting," the mornings are fun, and so are a few minutes during the day, and then it's the evenings. The evenings are sometimes hard because I’m on the Risperdal and become agitated at night, and then all Maureen and I do is watch TV, so I think eliminating the Risperdal will change my mood at least, and then we can take it from there.
I am thinking when it is time, the 80 mg Latuda (I’m on 60 currently) might be in order, as there are things like the public (going out—agoraphobia/anticipatory anxiety issues) and actually, though focused on my work, and Dr. K, my cognitive behavioral therapist seems to think (and I agree) that compulsions, in particular OCD, play a big part in my disorder, but that I am certainly not at all interested in going out, and do feel a definite apathy all day and night—I just channel it with the computer and writing and artistic endeavors. Yet knowing that going out, for example is a good thing, because of the Sz, I don't see that, if that makes sense. In other words, I have the insight that it would be good to go out, but I simply have no interest.
Good things: Paranoia, Voices and Hallucinations are much less, and, in fact, voices and most hallucinations are still 100% gone. There is room for me to work on things with Dr. K. and my spiritual advisor, Darlene—and of course Dr. F., but I guess what happened today—my agitation episode—taught me a lot (Dr. K. helped a lot with seeing the overall picture (the forest not the trees; marathon, not the race)—that all is "good," and no one is hating me (like last week, and that email in particular where Dr. F., Dr. K., and Maureen wrote back positively.) I wasn't trying to write down my feelings in order to get a negative response or no response, as I told Dr. K on Friday, it was how I really felt, and between Dr. K. on Friday and those email responses, I was really helped—reassured—a lot. Thank you.
I sent a different copy of what I’ve written here to Maureen, Dr. K, and Dr. F. My only worry (anticipatory anxiety), which should be fine or better than fine (but as there's "always something on my list" LOL but honestly—even if I don’t intentionally seek out some sh*t list thing or person, or even symptom—my tools help a lot) is the file cabinet project on Monday. Yet I do know that I will likely be fine (even if sleep deprived) and since the file project has already begun, this will be the last big project here in the Hot Club, and I know that anything involved with it—even the full organization as is planned—will be a very good thing, and I also know that I was sleep deprived on the group book organization project with my caregivers and I did awesome—that's the CBT I’ve been practicing perhaps :)
So, anyway, thank you—all.
Jonathan Harnisch
