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Jonathan Harnisch
This issue comes up often in my life so I believe it happens to many people universally. The guilt trip of “Why do I always have to be the one to say I’m sorry and apologize? —Only me!" I once again needed resolution as for many interpersonal relationships, and so I'm sure this sounds familiar, and with that said, here's this week's apology letter, which this time I have decided to post publicly. Feel free to use it as a template if you might be battling such demands to be the one to apologize, especially if you are continually being put down because of a mental health condition you might have.) It sure becomes tiring. I'm sure I am not alone with the question, "Why do I always have to be the one to apologize?" It sure becomes tiring and brings upon a hurt, which feels unmendable. This is the letter itself (w/ names removed and the hateful demands and texts, etc., which I receive from such people, also not posted. I take the higher road. It's a requirement so, here's this morning's mass apology to all in my circle. I'm an open book in a lot of ways, so take what you will from this and please know, you aren't the only one. For me, it's at least once a week. How many variations can I create of such a letter that says basically the same thing? Ugh. But again, I did it. I am proud. And if they cannot, well, I did. I win! —J.
–Jonathan Harnisch
Simultaneously impressionistic and surrealistic, in the vein of Lynch's early work or even Dali's, Prototype details man's journey into nothingness as seen through the eyes of its main character, who is trapped in an endless road trip that bombards him visually and aurally.
Hollywood Harnisch[/caption]
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—Isak Dinesen
–George Eliot
–George Eliot
–Carl Jung
—Henry David Thoreau
—Anna Louise Strong
—Josiah Royce
—Wang Xiaobo
...and pass it on!
Jonathan Harnisch
www.porcelainutopia.com[/caption]
The word is there, no doubt, in the dictionary.
Derived from ancient Greek, 'paranoia' originally referred to as a distracted mind. But distracted from what? The definition claims the distraction is caused by false beliefs that someone is persecuting you, or me. But if you or I are afflicted with paranoia, we know, wholeheartedly, that these are not delusions. People are harassing and persecuting us.
Who the hell are they? Why the hell are they following us? What the hell do they want?
We have become the target of a vast conspiracy stretching on invisible webs across the surface of the planet. It lives in the telephone wires, the cell towers, in the papers and even online, perhaps even inside the dictionary itself. It spills out of radios and these days, on my iPod… the damn TV, too. It nests in the hearts and minds of my family, friends and loved ones.
There might be many reasons why they chose me, and why they chose you. But we were or are in fact chosen—you know?—People are jealous of us. After all, we’re smarter than “they” are. They’re after our brilliant knowledge, my money, my ideas, my things, my mind, all your stuff, and so on. The dictionary: Many of us paranoiacs have "feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence," but no book really understands, yet there are some excellent ones out there, including Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers by Martin Kantor http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Paranoia-Professionals-Families-Sufferers/dp/0313363196/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338010688&sr=8-1-spell Delusional Disorder: Paranoia and Related Illnesses by Alistair Munro http://www.amazon.com/Alistair-Munro/e/B001KIOH2I/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1 and Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia by Ronald Siegel http://www.amazon.com/Whispers-Paranoia-Ronald-K-Siegel/dp/B0046LUKKY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338010876&sr=1-1 [the latter from which I’ve paraphrased slightly; the first page—within this post, adding my own take given my own voices and current experiences with this diabolical perplexity. For 6 bucks, new, it’s a steal.]
You and I really do possess remarkable talents as mathematicians like "The Great John Nash!" Inventors [that would be me], prophets [you?]… That’s why we are all so attractive and so inspired, so envied. There is nothing in life that we cannot accomplish.
I haven’t slept in 2 days and I am currently fearing a complete psychotic break from reality due to my own thriller movie style conspiracy of which I am, of course, victim.
This is no freaking joke. At this point I am aware that my beliefs are “only the schizophrenia” but it’s for damn sure the truth and frightening as all hell. Stuck. Trapped. No way out. But gotta keep running and playing along. In code. Like an FBI agent. Like John Nash’s character as portrayed in A Beautiful Mind by Akiva Goldsman http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Mind-Shooting-Script-Newmarket/dp/1557045461/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338011639&sr=1-4
Let’s raise awareness and figure out this perpetual labyrinth of chaos an deception before it becomes more than just seemingly so…
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
Update: As mentioned I have [had to] restore this post, since that "ugly" week last month [June 2012] when this website went down.
Yet, finding this post again, and thus re-posting it today, on 22 July 2012 [just a couple months afterwards] due to my own recovery through medication and therapy combined, it's been about a month now that all the voices, hallucinations, and paranoia are no longer present in my life; for the first time in my life. Recovery from Sz can be truly amazing...
Yours...
Jonathan Harnisch
www.porcelainutopia.com[/caption]"Don't wanna be there? Use what you can, do what you can, knowing what you know, put emotion in the can. Get up quick and move the hell on!"
—Jonathan Harnisch
5 Yoga Poses That Can Help Combat Depression
Huffington Post
One of the chapters in my life included a 10-year bout with deep depression. This depression became compounded when I was confronted with loss and grief.
Since I’ve been having increased hallucinations, voices, and therefore delusions, I wanted to write about problem solving as it relates to schizophrenia.
I often find it easier to look for the processes, systems, methods, or even just outlines for just about anything that involves thinking, especially when it comes to the chaotic nature of schizophrenia.
First, I’ll start with a collection of common problems related to schizophrenia, then some problem solving methods, which I use and find beneficial.
We all might have our own way of dealing with our problems, whether it’s avoiding them, passing them off, as “I just can’t do it,” overconfidence in the style that “Hey I’m in charge here,” to over-talking about the problems thinking as if a miracle will happen and the problems will solve themselves.
Some basic facts I have been learning from day to day, and which I find help me to understand the roots as to what problems really are:
What I find works; I try to stay positive when a problem arises. The less stressed I am, and the more positive-minded and optimistic I am about a problem, looking ahead and not getting caught up in the past helps me deal better with the problem and the people involved.
With other people involved, the bottom line is I do my best to be respectful and take everyone’s opinions into consideration, even if I disagree.
Blaming others simply doesn’t work. “I” statements work best for me, and those involved—taking the emotion out of it.
Gathering as many possible solutions to a problem as possible then narrowing them down, using trial and error, and thinking outside of the box.
Compromising, especially when the problem is a relationship issue. Knowing that I might not get it “my way” 100% in the end. We all have needs and we must do what we can to meet each other’s needs as much as possible. If it’s a problem I’m working on by myself, besides meditation, I try to be flexible with myself, not getting “stuck” in one point of view.
Lastly I will create, whether writing it down or keeping in mind, a plan of action. The key word is “action.” Then if I don’t succeed, at least I tried.
I can then move on to the next problem, and I’m sure I could always think of something I want to make better or improve.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
Porcelain Utopia[/caption]
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Porcelain Utopia
—Jonathan Harnisch
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Paraphrased: A sincere letter from a listener of The Real Me podcast and reader of the Porcelain Utopia blogs on schizophrenia:
My question is: My brother seems to do quite well defending himself psychologically from the voices most of the time when he hears them, but sometimes he looks distressed, and I have to re-direct him away from the voices, usually with a cheerful conversation, which most of the time works, yet, I wonder if I should be saying something to comfort him, or if I should just keep pretending that I don't observe him obviously hearing them. It seems like they may be taunting him; perhaps saying mean things to and about him.
I’ve posted my response at this late hour of the evening below, if it may be of any help to others. I have omitted any use of actual names, as requested…
Dear Listener/Reader:
This is what I would want (so it might be different than what your brother would want):
I’d emphasize being with him alongside the voices, by acknowledging them and perhaps letting him know that you can’t hear them yourself, but allowing your brother to know that you would think it must be hard sometimes, and remind him of how well he does coping with them.
This will allow for a comfort zone being established, hopefully, and just, for sure, I would not recommend any action or words that could cause your brother to think that you are “spying” on what he is hearing (causing him paranoia and fear—fear that you might be plotting to have him committed, calling the police, even the FBI, etc., even a doctor, for that matter.) He needs to feel safe and comforted.
If he wants to be comforted, even “mothered,” I’d recommend not pretending that you do not know he might be hearing voices or is being disturbed by them, but whether it’s rubbing his feet or forehead… kind of anything he wants to be comforted (if that is what he wants) as long as you are able to do it, and making sure that you also take care of your own self and your needs, even your own “time-outs,” etc.
He might always want to be left alone with them, or sometimes alone, sometimes with company. The company should be limited to you or just a couple of people he trusts.
Once you might be able to get a dialog going about the voices, this should give you insight as to whether or not they are commanding him in any way. If they are, you might show that you can identify but not necessarily understand as he does. Sometimes I will hear such things as “you’re going to die,” or “kill whomever…” If he admits that, again, it’s not necessarily an emergency. You might say, for example, “I don’t think you’re going to kill me… I think you are a terrific person.” You might, especially at first onset, gauge if he remarks by saying that it’s just a voice. This would indicate his awareness. And you can deepen your connection to his experiences. If there is struggle, or agitation (paranoia, possibly) with his being able/not to tell you that he is hearing harmful commands, could be a sign of lack of insight and possible escalation (into break, but still early sign only-it’s manageable at this point.) I congratulate you on your looking for help early on! Way to go! But might not be apparent that he will actually do what they say, and thus this particular symptom should be able to pass and even possibly reoccur, without much alarm.
Lots of schizophrenia is “chaotic,” but can soon become patterned (predictable behaviors), if good attention is given. It can be of benefit to pay attention to these patterns as they come to be. Really get to know your brother as a person and through his schizophrenic experiences. Sometimes they border on brilliant, and he is likely a very insightful guy, even if just within his inner world. “The schizophrenic often drowns in the same waters that the mystic swims in with delight;” and, “the difference between a shaman and schizophrenic is that they are both able to go into the other realms and dimensions; the shaman is able to come back, grounded, while the schizophrenic often cannot.” Remember, schizophrenia is a brain disease, and the brain controls EVERYTHING, even body temperature, and with new or changing symptoms, anything from body rashes, to allergies, to wearing winter coats in the hot summer is part of schizophrenia. Sz is often helpful to be understood as being a 3rd party, and not the individual person. The sufferer is deserving of help, freedoms and love, and from what I know about you so far, you do a great job with this—very rare, might I add, that you have the compassion that you do for your brother!
Medication adjustment is likely a good option to discuss with his doctor, and if your brother is OK with it, I would make sure his doctor is trustworthy, first off, and if the M.D. (the doctor SHOULD allow this) –is open to meeting alone with your brother, then part of session with just you and doctor, then you both (all 3 of you). Meds might make him extremely lethargic especially at first onset of new symptoms, lacking energy/motivation, but likely his doctor will taper the dosages down once stabilized, if it gets to that point. Patience is key. Energy, etc., usually comes back—could take months of trial-and-error and wait time for med changes. If your brother is resistant to taking meds, might consider 2-4 week injections, but would not recommend ECT or hospitalization (possibly brief to few months of treatment if needed and minimal meds as needed.) I would try everything not to make him feel “forced” into anything, and decisions should be cooperative. I’d try to stay away from weight gainers (led me to gaining 100 pounds in a year and Type II diabetes)—since lost the weight and reversed diabetes!
Comfort… comfort… comfort and his need for alone time if that’s what he prefers. Sometimes it’s the apathetic alone time that I’m better able to deal with the voices, while you might walk past him during his alone time, even if in a stupor of sorts and just touch his foot or head, letting him know you are there.
During these kinds of symptoms, if you want to hug him or even touch him, or even ask him a question, I would definitely ASK his permission first. Senses in general are often extremely heightened, and he might not want to be touched. Acceptance of this boundary is key. All of this is what I have learned from my own experiences. Your brother might not “hear” you, or respond, pick up social cues, or react “like normal.” These are all features of the illness, beyond his control.
Main thing is to do everything possible to keep him out of the hospital, have understanding and nurturing doctor, and having you as a wonderful and loving sister!
Jonathan Harnisch
What do we do about it?
Host Jonathan Harnisch opens this topic up for discussion, to those of us suffering from schizophrenia as well as those entering the medical profession, and professionals who are already in the fields of psychiatry and medicine, even government and lawmaking.
As I have been quite busy putting together my Complete Porcelain Utopia Series, as one novel, in itself, and even planning to post might-I–call-it, the rough draft of the final draft for the public to read as a PDF prior to it’s actual publication, and once I can get an editor on it to really clean up the odds and ends, I’m looking forward to putting this project to rest, at last.
My memoirs will be the more commercial and readily accessible novel. That will likely take a year or so. We’ll just see how everything goes.
While enjoying these recent days and evenings of work and meditation, reading and listening to audio, I felt inclined to share more about where I left off on the last Real Me episode. I was kind of cut off by the hail storm under which I had recorded the Getting Out episode, but I had brought up the topic of seeing yourself through others, and how wonderful that can be. Helpful, fun, interesting and otherwise an unavailable way of looking into your own mirror.
Through my wife, mostly, I love hearing her unbiased, non—judgmental view of different aspects of myself, and it’s wonderful, especially since she and I are both writers.
Not much to add to this except to emphasize how important I believe it is for those of you with severe mental illness to be able to and be allowed to sometimes bring someone who knows you, in a different way than you might know yourself, or specifically any difficulties or issues that your doctor might not be able to hear from you, yourself, into some appointments. As schizophrenics, we often have a feature of the illness called Lack of Insight. I encourage and recommend that you do all that you can to give your doctor the most information, from medical records, to journals, to different perspectives, as you are able to.
The consumer is treated better, and gets the help that she or he needs.
One other idea I wanted to bring up, and I don’t really need expand on this all that much, I think, but just to mention that sometimes, when perhaps caught off guard with stress, essentially, I wanted to emphasize that it can be extremely difficult to bring yourself out of a really negative space as quickly as possible, and so to feel better, but in order not to induce a relapse of any kind. Besides taking an as-needed pill, perhaps, or calling your doctor or a loved one—sometimes none of these options are available, and so to make a point that I believe in the idea that we all have the “diseased” part of our brain, but we also have the healthy part, and while there are times while under stress, we might have no other option but to “think or way out.”
I know this can be easier said than done, but it is possible, even if one of the thoughts you have to encourage yourself back to feeling better and less stressed is something, perhaps related to a grateful thought, like, “I like the shirt I am wearing.” Anything! For me, it can take a series of thoughts to slowly get my body out of the feeling of angst, hurt, and the like, but even to give yourself 10 minutes—time—that you can rely on to feel even slightly better.
You can do it, so keep trying. You’ll get there. There is hope. Just hope itself works. And that can actually make all the difference.
You’re doing terrifically. Keep it up. You’re all perfect just the way you are. Even Buddhist monks endure tremendous suffering, all the time. There’s no cure for schizophrenia but there are treatment options. So be sure to stay on your medication, especially if you are diagnosed with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder, and especially if you are feeling well. The medicine could very well be a lot of the reason why you are feeling better.
Thank you so much for being an integral part of my experience.
Jonathan Harnisch
To the invisible audience:
Now that I got back to green (metaphor for I’m okay with you, not “in red,”) pretty fast, I still wonder simply why. With all the texts that were sent this morning to my team, and my condition with its usual discomforting reactions to confronting instances of sudden unexpected stress when I had (thought) to have said unlike the time with Caregiver #2 when I did accuse her—and was obviously wrong about it—I said that every other day, the pack of cigarettes I bring over (replacing) and never (or hardly ever) using on our main house patio, they are not there nor in my own pockets, by the end of many of such days. It would make perfect sense for me to accuse three smokers who work for me who often obviously don’t even like me. Also, given it’s a common symptom of schizophrenia to accuse theft (without any logical evidence). It took me so long to get to react as pleasantly as possible while feeling so angry while not accusing anybody but rather mentioning that packs of cigarettes happen to be missing—often—too often, perhaps—asking if someone would call Caregivers #1 and #3 as #2 was not present this time around, to ask if they had either taken (by error or not) this last missing pack of cigarettes, three cartons a week, when I’m a one carton every two weeks smoker. As for my lighters—I just went through 100 of them in the last year—disappearing (okay, it’s actually a common innocent error) I even do it without knowing, and while others here who know me well, and my already wreck of a state and stress with this stomach bug and likely other things (medicine, symptoms—schizophrenia never goes away for me)— Caregiver #1 just (in how I saw it) charged into my office, attacks me for calling her a liar and thief, then tells me I'm to restock my own fridge and clean my own place—my heart racing suddenly. An unfamiliar cannibalistic raging anger feeling nearly like slamming my fist through someone, anyone's, face instantly, but coming to terms with it, then being accused and attacked again by my own employee, employed by my own family who controls it all—look them up, the lawsuits of similar ordeals—but never mind them. I had just been sitting there, taking it all in, praying that my semi heart attack was not going to literally cause me to keel over, and Ms. #1 is still “yelling,” and maybe it was my schizophrenia hearing it as a yell not a quiet soothing nurturing voice—(is Sz itself gaslighting me? I think). I have zero proof of any of this—from either side of the evidence spectrum to look back on. I just fell into submission, as usual, and did not rage or do anything “bad.” Go to your room. Okay. I love my room, everything I want and have and need is in my room (Jonathan at age 12). Now, at almost 37, all I kept “seeing” was my mother and my father yelling at me—a Frankenstein version of them combined—whipping my genitals with the belt, while my mother, she whips and screams quietly, he's sodomizing me with his own, then the handle of the wooden spoon, I'm saying, I'm repeating in my own traumatic fantasy flashback, “I'm sorry Mommy Dearest, I'm sorry.” This now being just 15 or 20 minutes ago, I was able to dissociate so much that I became Ben, my own fictional character based on a fellow called Tom, who I thought I "was" in 2009-'10. And I got over it within about 15 minutes of complete dissociation as my safety mechanism. I just feel a sort of koan of a why with no question mark. There's no reason to answer. It's just my wonder. I love you and I forgive you, #’s 1, 2, 3, and 4. Transgression was going to be set for the new Makeshift Mag website but I believe as today's party goes on in its own festive ways, and I'm simply unwilling to be present for it. Regardless of all the spam, here and there, the hatred and obsessions of some of my audience, while others come to Porcelain Utopia, find what they came for (or not) then leave, and others come routinely for the tagline aspect, to experience meaning and purpose with or without mental illness, and with pleasant letters no longer, only the threats and harassments, which to any actual celebrity, it does upset them. While I dig up my old notebooks about "Ben," I can't help but think of the one-time visitors in comparison to the regular ones and feed subscribers—that I haven't a care to lose them if it may happen. I'm not into getting “hits.” I'm into honest feelings and metaphors, into Fight Club (while it never mentions the word schizophrenia itself) the book and movie was a spot on parallel to my own strange and mysterious schizophrenic experiences—a catalyst to my future writing, now my past writing, until my psychosis—my not knowing what's real or not—whether due to poor doctoring, medication which nobody has a clue how or why they work (or don’t work). This all seems to becoming a gossip page—search terms, the top ones, being “Jonathan Harnisch hedge funds,” “Jonathan Harnisch gossip,” “Jonathan Harnisch celebrity,” and “Jonathan Harnisch abuse stories.” 85-90% on any given day somehow find Porcelain Utopia through those terms (and I don’t know why. I don’t tag a thing like that, so as our Thanksgiving party is underway and I'm locked up here in my office (otherwise shut down, and it’s by choice) currently hacked onto a neighbor's Internet connection since I cannot afford my own, even as a former primary shareholder of Amazon and currently of Google, well, near the top. The Net, especially those searching from a PC on Firefox, via IE, I suppose—this will not only be a personal email to my team, hastily makeshifted together, but the start or rather a resurfacing of the angel, demon human dichotomy of who I am with as much transgressive gossip stories as so many actually crave. What can I lose—followers and fans? I signed up for all this didn’t I? The big rich film guy gone schizophrenic. Well, that will have to serve as my validation—my ‘paycheck.’ I'll think more about it and though writing 800 pages (years back) about an obsessive foot fetish and a fictional woman in order to overcome my own sex drive—which I no longer even have—thanks to medication. Hey, I’m not complaining about that. No need. Just gone? Terrific! You kidding me? That part of my life is tremendously easier. Anyway, the gossip might or might not be on the Net—I have no clue nor interest, and my friends are here at home. The hate mail will remain or get worse—who cares? I just don’t have the time for that. My character—the little bit of good in me, just like the good in authors Henry Miller, Kathy Acker and Chuck Palahniuk—remains. Only a few might understand me, or this or the psychotic experience itself. But to those who crave this gossip stuff. Who knows, maybe it'll come. Lots of it is already here and there. So hug me, embrace me, or kill me, hate me, call me and leave your comments both good and bad, tastefully or with ignorance. Hell, I'm human. I'm ignorant, too. Thank God I'm aware of that. So bring it on as I hope I'll chose to do lay down some adult content and find the meaning in the madness. I hope to find the courage to post some of it before long. I'm the one in control of my life, my recovery and my website. If I'm to be hacked again, I can surely hack you back but only to see who and where you are, as you route through a series of Asian and other foreign IPs, etc. back to New York or Cleveland. But take me down or just give this kid a shot and get over it, as I'm doing. Thank you and may you all remain as centered as possible, just like I try to do. Then falling to pieces, coming back, and starting over again. So be it. No headers, no footers, no spell check, no SEO, just as-is. As it is… See? I already feel better now. Ah.
Jonathan Harnisch
