Restored Post from April 1, 2011—
I sent a text message and e-mail to one of my caregivers in order to make up with him. There seems to have been a misunderstanding. My mind is shattering some normal events into pieces of confusion and fear. I am realizing that the jobs here on the property are going involve some breaking of the rules. I am a more lenient boss than any boss might be in a normal job setting. I think I did well to explain the core of what was bothering me and so to come to terms with it in the healthiest way possible.
I think I am thinking clearly today.
I am making my day great! I hope this new medicine regimen will work soon -- could take up to 2 weeks even though it's the same tablets, just different dose.
I was upset last night, but someone I love asked me – using an idea I seemed to have come up with in the last audio blog -- to get to the "core" of what exactly was bothering me with two of my caregivers, though without using the word "core." So, instead of ignoring the message concerning this, I decided to use the strategies I mentioned on The Real Me to actually act on, myself, so that I would walk my own talk. I find this fascinating. That I am possibly helping others, but in doing so, I am helping myself with the same strategies I talk about within the blogs.
Bottom line is that (and I give you lots of credit for this, too... because you seem to accept me wherever I am... wherever you are!) I have a good project set up for at least this morning. What I learn from it, I can use in the future projects similar in nature. I’m expecting the best but preparing for the worst (computer crash, etc.) just in case. And although those here on the compound today seem to be dealing with their own “off-day” kinds of struggles, I am, like I said in my last blog, Making My Day… Mine. I’m releasing the "luxury of negativity" which can often be so seductive and almost addictive.
I was thinking of possibly blogging about this idea I had (a feeling I get…) a written-out theory, which I'll have to look up… It’s an Oliver Sacks quote from one of his short stories about a Touretter, where he mentions saying and possibly writing shocking things like I had written to one of the caregivers last night, and sometimes to others, as well. But that I perhaps behave this way when I feel trapped and unsafe, for example, in order achieve a certain sensation of "shock" out of the person to whom I’m directing negativity, though I’d have to look it up (and am quite busy at the moment) but nonetheless, I could just add my own reaction to the Sacks theory: as I remember, it seemed to have been on a more subconscious level, even with tics and coprolalia. I would add, that my take on that kind of "symptom" is also similar to when I write about (in my novel, Porcelain Utopia) that I “want cancer, AIDS, etc., so that [I] can overcome them." Same kind of thing because when I wake up in the morning and remember that I have to "make amends" and undo what I did the evening prior, it gives me something to "overcome--" in a pretty deep, almost philosophical way.
Peace and Love to All People.
P.S. Below is what I consider good and healthy communication. Having been “wrong,” and whether or not I could “help” it or not, I think this dialog below has some interesting insight. We all make mistakes, and I find it important to make amends, when needed, sooner than later. Then the rest of the day can unfold positively…
Caregiver,
I hope we can make up. It frustrates me when you come and go as you please. Let me know if we can work it out. I woke up in a better place than yesterday. Had a crap day yesterday. And a certain kind of amnesia from whatever “bad stuff” might have happened. This is a common feature of my illness – a sort of “blacking out.”
Love,
Jonathan
Jonathan,
* * *
I am sorry to hear that, but I’m happy that you tell me what you feel.
Since I am coming in today at 10:30 AM I took off a little earlier yesterday in correspondence with staff, since you were sleeping and had someone else there already with you. I will see to that my schedule gets more consistent than earlier so we avoid any frustrations. Thanks for the input.
Sincerely,
Caregiver
Caregiver,
Thank you for this. I am sorry I over-reacted. I basically felt cornered by you and possibly others on my team with what I took as “secret stuff.” Upon waking, I realize even the term “secret stuff” is likely due from paranoia, and possibly due to the recent change in medications. When my routine (your schedules included) is tweaked/changed, it tends to get to me. It wasn’t my intention to be mean to you last night. I felt stuck, and saw no other way out of that feeling. I will bring this up with my psychologist today. I would like to be able to handle some of these issues better than I am currently. I simply felt trapped. The morning seemed to have restored me. Thank you for understanding. I didn't know that I wasn't told about the schedule change because I was asleep. So thank you for the clarification. Sometimes I fear that I am perhaps too lenient and easy-going... I just have to get used to that, and that this kind of job you guys have is unique and not like, for example, when I was running my own company. It will often mess me up when I fear that people are taking advantage of me... So thank you for your e-mail this morning.
It means a lot to me.
I think I am a pretty loving and giving guy inside. Sometimes "fear" (in general) might not allow that part of me to show. And I am sorry about that. I continue to try my best, and work with the doctors and keep with my meditations, and everything else.
I'm actually glad you got to "see" that part of me just in case it was to re-occur.
Jonathan Harnisch
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