Reaching Hell and Happiness

12 NOON

22 December 2011

The Hot Club/Bed: New Mexico USA

Dear Little Journal—

[transcribed from my written private journal:] 

Having been away from you in several months, more on the computer, coming out with this whole real me, authentic, raw, sometimes in your face material and insights, even confessions, in a way--acknowledgements—but lots of inspiration + HOPE—this kick I’ve been on since last year—at last.

Have had some major (some flitting) epiphanies/realizations recently.

EXAMPLE: choosing to go with the being myself 100% thing--as long as it’s nothing illegal, slandering etc., which it’s not. Sometimes I want to tell someone off publically, on my website or Facebook, but instead I imagine doing so, in my head, until it goes away—I let it go and will then blog about how I overcame whatever it was. Imagination kicks butt.

ANOTHER ONE: Not letting public feedback dictate what I write, post or do, I’m safe and feel such liberation just being whomever the heck I am at any given moment—always a human being with human rights (and wrongs) and a hefty dose of complex mental health issues. LOL.

I laugh a lot.

Maybe only one or two people in the world might ever fully get me but that no longer even concerns me, if they do or don’t. I come from a place of love and it’s really there—the love.

Having major blood sugar issues (again). I deal with them and keep a sane mind intact throughout. I take these challenges the best way that I can, and choose which battles to fight, most of which I just let go.

When in schizoaffective reality/lens, it’s so indescribable in words. A real private war. Yet a non-violent and peaceful one, lately. I deal with my symptoms without ignoring them, just like my thoughts, voices, etc., into la la land. All that I see, hear, feel, etc., comes in at once. No separation, yet I think I do quite a lot, in general just considering I’m a schizophrenic—that alone. People must expect a lot less out of me. I often hear that they never know what I’m going to do or say next—Maybe that makes me interesting in way—unique and different than most other people.

I’m bedridden until I see the endocrinologist—have some times during the day when I can get up. But often physically numb these days—my extremities. Sometimes I’m symptom-free (it seems.) Likely just need to increase the diabetes medications. Not up for anything else, like injections.

I could die today, knowing that I have reached hell and happiness. 

HAPPINESS! Never thought that was going to happen—and this just before I turn 36 in a couple weeks. Landmark? I did it! I’m my own best friend. And I don’t even know myself—like they say. You never know anything. You know?

Oh, and I’ve been asked to do some more public things like interview for a magazine on mental health, and maybe I’ll take all that I do further, like speak to kids and things in school. For now—just keeping the status quo and talking with friends with Sz, Lupus, Bipolar, and other things, too.

I think I make a difference and I’ve reached most of my goals so far, batting average is pretty darn good—I like the analogy. I’m batting better than expected. Just keeping things real and honest and open knowing there’s a lot of stigma and mean, difficult people out there—just choosing who I want to be with and what I want to do.

Although some of my darker novels and writing, even films, are written in a bitterly dark, way, and quite sexual in nature (yet that’s a big part of my schizophrenia)…

OFF TRACK: [Sexual...same with another friend of mine with schizoaffective—I recently heard from her—just diagnosed a few years ago, and same kind of story—her family says it’s because of all the sins she committed. I have so much to say, to offer these friends of mine, without preaching dogma—I can’t stand that. I just tell them what’s worked for me.]

…BACK ON TRACK: I bet most people won’t/don’t see in my transgressive literature (hardly commercially viable—and Grove Press already passed on one of my books—not up for book touring anyway/promotions…) An artist at heart, I guess.

I build it whether they come or not.

The novels, to me are about Ben & Georgie (and yes Claudia) but to me, the protagonist/s are in there, in search of innocence and peace of mind (indeed, obsessed with Claudia, but…) they even pray and they’re seeking meaning in their lives and their minds.

To me, those books, like the actual Porcelain Utopia novel series (about 1,000 pages) is about the same hope and resiliency, seeking/yearning I think is very realistic, as well as its style, its tone, and the language I used. When nothing was real (at the very end…) Basically Buddhism ala Tropic of Capricorn by Henry Miller, if you ask me.

Jonathan Harnisch