Porcelain Utopia Restoration Project

After Porcelain Utopia shut down in October 2013, Jonathan Harnisch worked tirelessly to recover what hackers had corrupted. At its peak, his self-run WordPress blog reached 25 million daily hits and was hailed as the most viral mental health site of its time, chronicling his life with schizophrenia. Despite digital attacks and shutdown, Harnisch’s voice remains—raw, resilient, and enduring beyond the wreckage. This is what’s left. And it still speaks.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Blogspotting Jonathan Harnisch

http://www.jwharnisch.blogspot.com/

Friday, August 2, 2013

Inception of Insomnia: Episode 2 #mentalhealth

Hour #92:

If you don't know what your dream is, then think about what you want your life to feel like.

Dear Psychiatrist, thank you for your email. I am glad, too, to be keeping you informed. My own current in-progress novel, like many others in general, and motion pictures as well, to say they influence me is an understatement. If you've seen some of my documentaries, for example, when I say on camera that I might watch an episode of a crime show, I'll then ponder and even believe, coming up with all the facts and reasons for myself being the killer (meanwhile) never the victim which interests me. If you've seen the film OC87 from 2010 it's similar to Buddy's thought-OCD within his own autism. I'd first want to know, given the new DSM 5 which I've not read — I have never read any of them, and editions of the DSM—the same with biochemistry—two types of writing/subjects which I never mind since I've always had doctors who are formally trained in the material. I'll read other things—more for the layperson with the exception of mathematics and certain sciences, number theory, play therapy, particle physics, applied chaos theory and logic since they pertain, as I see it, to my own autism spectrum and trauma. I find a common ground in, and a relationship within such material and a mirror-effect of my own often-foreign and mysterious life experiences. — So what are my new diagnoses given the new DSM 5^th edition? In the meantime, I’ve taken a break from my writing and most online activities. Instead, I've been working on an art film all night long and still, this morning, and today. It’s another feature-length movie, at this stage, its current rough cut runs about 4 1/2 hours so there's still more edits to do in order to get it down to 90 minutes on the dot. Once again, it’s intended for exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art in New York, like “Prototype”. Dear Psychiatrist, you see, what I understand and I will answer your simple question with a simple answer (Answer: it's both). Of course “he” (Lawrence) is a delusional hallucination of mine, and I did and did not email under “his” name—Lawrence. There are a lot of—let’s say infinite levels to this, our exchanges and our relationship. I find it similar to existential philosophy, fuzzy logic and just like knowledge theory and universal theory. My father always told me, “Life is a game.” I believe our truths are not to be counted on by facts, only by our beliefs. But, quite honestly my intension is to buy into your own reality — believing in its possibility and likelihood — and thus your existence, including what you tell me and write to me, so that I can then “re-create” your non-reality, in part (aside from the symptomatic effects of my mental diseases) in order to make my own life much more interesting than it already is, if you can believe that. In other words, I hear you, not me, saying it was not you but me who created Lawrence’s email address. Furthermore I was and was not responding to myself. The evidence I gather, if it’s any evidence at all, for such a belief or scenario in this “game” — to uphold itself — on the forefront, I’ve heard from you repeatedly, among many others, that I am a pathological liar. So again, similar to the content in my fictional novel (my Alibiography) — you, my friends and everybody — everything — and thus the mirrored dichotomy effect comes to mind, when I wrote the line, “Fair enough, I suppose, let’s go bum a smoke,” at the end of part one in the book series at hand, which from reading its first draft in 2009 helped you diagnose me with schizophrenia prior to the DSM 5 revision. The line relates to the possibility or probability of the nonexistence of everything, even myself. It’s fascinating, a creative outlet to dissociate from the trauma above all, but most of life, so that I haven’t a need nor desire to, for example miss my friends and family, (the trauma) — even my marriage, mental illnesses, and my life, if it’s not there. One (in this case myself) can then build up our own composite sketches of what we want, as unconventional as it may be, of what we wish for, dream about and long for. It’s just like life itself, if it were to be real and true — valid. It never seems to turn out the way we might have wished it, if certain dreams came true. Someone might consider, “I want to marry Brad Pitt.” Then that dreamer ends up fighting with his or her now-husband, and having some good times together, too, but ultimately divorcing. Similar was the premise to the short film “Wax,” based on a chapter from my book, the since-revised and yet unreleased version of “The Dreamer Sleeps without Dreaming.” While I have medication, therapy, a home, with food, and the like, it couldn’t be a more tangible and palpable philosophy, or way of life, until I might decide to change my mind of just get some sleep. If and when (moreover) I’m permanently institutionalized is Cambridge, which will be happening by court order, likely years from now, but it will tie in with this one particular novel I’ve constructed, which will bring some comfort in such an otherwise suffocating imprisonment. Crazy indeed. Unorthodox and all that I am known for both publicly and privately. I am not crazy. I am creatively insane. So, what are my new diagnoses? I’m leaning more toward autism spectrum with trauma, simply said, “Blam. Boom. Blip-flap!” The website Porcelain Utopia is likely to be taken down or parked at least until its termination in 2015. Just as a footnote. I’ll be beginning anew on another platform. Porcelain Utopia has been causing me a great deal of stress maintaining it and keeping it going. So, there it is, for now. Until the next episode.

—Jonathan Harnisch

Inception of Insomnia: Episode 1 #mentalhealth

I just heard from my psychiatrist and apparently there are a few more people in my life who I've been told now are hallucinations and that I'm their hallucination. It's messing with my head because that's what my novel is about with the same concept. I am pretty sure it will be night number four without sleep I just want you all to know that I'm still around and this might seem weird, yet I love the heck out of it all, for real. My book has become synchronistic with my life, which is why I wrote it in the first place which I understand seems odd, but once again I'm questioning my own physical real existence. Dude this autism spectrum stuff is crazy man. I want to stay awake, sleeping without dreaming and dreaming without sleeping for the rest of my life with all of these mental maladies it's the most fascinating so to speak "existence" ever known to any human being literally, oh my goodness it's amazing and entirely 100% synchronistic.

Dear Psychiatrist, I do realize and understand that more people and friends in my life are turning out to have always been delusional hallucinations and Lawrence is just one of them. That was the reason in the first place for why I copied you on a few emails to him, in order to validate, or invalidate. He's not real, Dr. P., I hear what you say I listen to that part. This autism spectrum is fascinating and the whole concept is what my book is about, synchronicity the overlapping realities of "who is real and who isn't?" —kind of material. So just so you know I realize that Lawrence is not real, so to speak, therefore I can dream without sleeping and sleep without dreaming. I understand that's an odd way to take part in all of this but it's not real, so anyway, this will likely be night number four without sleep but nonetheless...

Jonathan Harnisch

The Best Feeling

The best feeling is when you realize you're completely happy without the people you thought you needed the most.

Everybody needs somebody but not everybody.

Jonathan Harnisch

Thursday, August 1, 2013

A Huge Dose of Self-Acceptance: Just Keep Being You

Let Them Say and Do What They Want — Just Keep Being You

Don't give up!

The best way to succeed is to always just give it one more try!

Let them say and do what they want, just keep being you.

I remember very clearly the day I decided to take charge of my own life. A huge dose of self-acceptance is where it began…

Porcelain Utopia Now-Viral Wikizine

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http://www.zimbio.com/Porcelain+Utopia

Never ceasing to amaze! Got to give myself some self-love and acknowledgement! http://www.zimbio.com/Porcelain+Utopia Mock Me >> Anger Me >> Shame Me —Jonathan Harnisch w/ 'alter' egos S.B. & G.G. (without whom I couldn't be who I am) though fictional characters in my forthcoming auto bio serial novel series tell-all under pseudonym for healthy reasons, pre-written from 2004-2013 to run for the next 2 years in the UK then worldwide later this year as publishers collaborate en masse for its optimal "manic page tuner effect"—it's been dubbed 'brilliant' and un-follow me, and dislike but once again I am by far on a very personal note w/ rampant voices, hallucinations, possibly delusions, I am my own hero, again and again. I alone — all alone give myself 100% credit for getting through this day — more resilient though as selfishly as possible only to come back, upon returning will deliver more inspirational discourse. I didn't take my own life — I gained it! And I am proud of that more than I might even otherwise believe myself. As for the others who continue mocking me publicly. I can take it, hard as it is. Makes my decision to penname a great deal of my work much more of a good choice.

Again, let them say and do what they want, just keep being you.

And just now in the Utopia inbox:

"Thank you Jonathan for your enormous and massively influential contributions in crusading against stigma, disability abuse and all for better mental health services worldwide!"'

—NIMH