Restored Post from March 11, 2011
I hope you are all having fantastic days, whomever and wherever you are!
I am just coming out of a pretty nasty spell. The Sz can be tough, I’ll tell you. I had wanted to blog while the spell was happening, so as to give my readers some accurate insight, real insight, into these often brief but hellish episodes. But I decided to wait until my PRN tablets kicked in while I sat in the sun, using the healthier part of my mind to think everything through and remembering what some of my self-help books (and even my doctor) might have suggested (that it’s more or less all in my head… just thoughts, as horrifying and debilitating and nightmarish as they can get).
At the time, maybe an hour or two ago, I felt that I would have, for example, bad-mouthed many people on this page and would thus have to pay repercussions for doing so… later on. So I decided to write this blog post out now that I am in a better frame of mind in a healthier way than I would have done before.
If I were to describe the spell, now that I am back out of it, I am unable to remember much of what happened. This is a common effect that the spells have on me—a kind of amnesia once the hell is over. This is probably more fortunate than unfortunate that the memories immediately desist when I come back to reality. Basically all my fears and resentments and agitations just took over my mind, and congested it. Overwhelmed me with terrifying metaphors and symbols. To describe a psychosis like the one I had this morning is for the most part impossible, only fragments would come up, it would be like trying to put a shattered stained glass window together and being able to describe its meaning. A true mystic might be able to describe an altered state of mind without effort, but for me, the spells are usually not describable in words, and especially after the fact.
So, now that Leslie, one of my caregivers, is here, (he actually showed up an hour early) I will get with him and probably not get caught up with creative activities but rather do what my body is telling me right now: to relax and take it easy, and if anything, to get into some mindless activities like filing papers and sit in the sun more, outside, and just be myself and remain present and self-aware.
This illness can be a ton of truly mortifying weight on me. But as I like to remind myself, especially since I have been dealing with things in such a more positive way and just plain doing better by a landslide these past few months or so, I consider that I am, in a lot of ways, kicking the living crap out of this darn thing when I can. I can beat this. Heck, I am nearly reversing my diabetes, in a matter of months, and I lost over 80 pounds in the last year or so. I can kick the Schizophrenia, too. At least live with it more comfortably. It's part of my mission.
As I see it, one has to really and truly be in the right mindset, to commit to certain things in life, or to get rid of aspects and habits that you no longer want or need. I think I am getting there. I will absolutely doubt myself and even full-on reject what I am saying here, at times (you know, we all have our demons and angels) but I am 100% committed to gently taking in any tiny measure of peace and tranquility that I can, and so to live the best life that I can, limiting the pain, the grief, the sadness and apathy that would otherwise haunt me until my last waking hour.
I'd encourage anyone to go for it, too. It's beyond tough. Beyond anything that you or me or anyone might be able to comprehend, but as for me, I have to do this (the whispering non-violent fight) for myself, because that's all that I am, perhaps all that I have. There's no getting away from the self besides transcending it. The silence of sincere meditation seems to be the only time when the body, mind and spirit are able to naturally transcend. Sometimes that's all we've got. But it's gotten us all to where we are now, in this moment. So it must be good.
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