Honest Feelings

 

Looking Back:

I wanted to clear all the lies and let the truth come out. I have feelings of the hatred, neglect and disgust from all those who are there to otherwise love, help and protect me, but instead have hatred crawling through their systems. It hurts, it's extremely discomforting. I'm empathetic to it all. Forgiveness and compassion come to my heart and soul, beckoning.

 

It's better to be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not.

 

I am...

Blessed nonetheless that it might be hatred that I'm feeling against me, but not necessarily indifference, for indifference is not even a feeling; indifference is nothing.

Life can get hard. My conditions [Schizophrenia, PTSD, Personality Disorder - NOS, and of course my Tourette's syndrome] certainly enhance feelings, even if the feeling might be numbness. But, I am... confident that I am real. I believe that I love, and I have real human feelings.

I'm simply expressing my feelings.

Love.

-Jonathan Harnisch

Post Script:

I had emailed this particular blog post to my psychiatrist, psychologist, wife, and father.

[ One of very few Father blogs at: http://www.jharnisch.com/the-wounded-inner-child ]

The staff of caregivers and others who work on my property who are hired and paid extremely well to take the best care of me as possible, yet due to what I felt was malicious behavior by them directed to me [literally too grotesque to post the photos I had taken of what they did to me—and my “Hot Club” sanctuary— my transgressive fiction on this otherwise positive minded blog page is enough,] but I literally fear them; and therefore did not send them anything—as my “worst offenders”—I so wish I didn’t feel this way.

But I do.

Responses:

“I am here. 

I appreciate your honesty.

I like the real you. 

Peace

LAF”

[verbatim from my psychiatrist]

--

“I'm again suggesting, honey, that you meet with Dr. F., David, and me, so you know that you are being heard, and so that we all know that we are all on the same page. If Dr. F is free this Friday, we could meet when you and David meet. 

Will you do that?”

[verbatim from my wife whom I love sooo much]

--

“I agree with Maureen and Dr. F. We are all there for you, Jonathan. And you deserve to go easy on yourself, and enjoy your daily activities (e.g. making music). You're a good guy!

Incidentally, I have to go out of town from Fri. to Tues. I apologize for the last minute notice. I wasn't expecting to be gone for so long.

Jonathan, I'll be avail to speak this weekend if you need to. If you want to reach me, please call or text. Thanks,

David”

[verbatim from my psychologist—yet another celebrity doctor who appears on television often, like Dr. Drew and Dr. Amen… all past doctors of mine, mostly while living and working in Los Angeles. I think they get caught up with being what I often joke as being “media junky docs” - LOL]

Meanwhile:

As expected, no word from my father, he does continue to spend the money I earned as a teenager without thoughtful concern for investments that are in my best interests. This all feels so awful even to write this. To think it. To know it. I’m really “going through it,” boy oh boy…

I always wished... just to know my father. And to be known. I know nobody in my family and I continually feel that even my own doctors are, as my psychologist said “there,” but not “here” for me.

That’s what hurts the most right now. I will come through this.

Alone with my spiritual world, and iPod on, I am OK. I am. And I will always be Jonathan.

I appreciate this opportunity to share my courage and honesty. I am grateful for yours as well.

That wounded child, and stigma—both must be just a part of humanity, in a way, though it might seem deep and dicey.

'To the lucky few,' as the great Stendhal wrote, to those who really 'get' the whole angel-demon-human dichotomy I try so hard to present here on Porcelain Utopia.

Be well always.

Sincerely,

-Jonathan

I Do Not Have Schizophrenia

I don't have schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia has me.

Jonathan Harnisch



 

Idle Afternoon: Schizophrenia

Brief Update 12/14/2012 10 AM US MST

Looking back on this post—restored, yet remains intact (a couple image files unrecoverable) aslo unedited as with all restored posts from the Porcelain Utopia restoration project, from when the site went down for three months from mid-year 2012. Just a note from today—December 14, 2012—while this particular post is currently trending on the day's top ten list, I understand that technology is an industry, a business—however, though competition and profit-making requires a great deal of compromise—it seems to be moving too fast, in my opinion. The restoration on this website is now becoming affected, in both positive and negative ways. Nonetheless, with quite hefty load of user-friendly and not-for-profit technology to keep you, the user, and myself and this website as safe and secure as possible, and while updating automatically and distribution on certain social networks, it all comes down to my posting what I can—material that is meaningful to me in some way, and then you, readers—and the audiences for all my various creative endeavors are the largest part of it all. Porcelain Utopia is where I really began to learn about such current elements of blogging, from as SEO to code—technology. It's not over, and as I do continue to struggle with my own mental health condition, I've most certainly slowed things down quite a bit, with patience and mindfulness. If you land on a page with broken image files or certain media files, even audio, I suggest you please move on to another post, page or website, and just enjoy. Take some, leave some—whatever you'd like.

I was able to recover a few hundred posts at this point. A couple hundred had to be deleted, unfortunately. I began with one item as my mission (as I do with any work) to reach one person—no matter whom. In three months, this site landed over 25 million hits. It was written up in the press, and I was beyond overjoyed. It looks like we might not reach that many as it had been, but when I have a few minutes, not in bed, or simply not too symptomatic, I'll get on, update and fix a couple items. I do hope you're enjoying your lives and relationships as much as you are able. Things can become challenging, but hey, it's about doing our best, isn't it? —Jonathan

Restored Post from May 9, <a class="StrictlyAutoTagAnchor" title="View all articles about 2012 here" href="http://www.jharnisch.com/tag/2012">2012

Idle Afternoon

Nothing all that world-shaking to say, which I guess is a good thing, in a way. Just taking time to write out some things on this lazy-feeling afternoon. I do have projects and activities I’m working on—again, nothing all that profound. The last post there from Osho hit the mark for me. I’m pretty much on my own for the day, and don’t get me wrong, that is what I want. My wife is out for the day, but I’ll be seeing her a little later. Just running around stuff, you know… I’m here in the great li’l Hot Club and yes, staying mindful, as God Only Knows by the Beach Boys and now She’s Always a Woman by Billy Joel play on the loud speakers—I mean how relaxing is that!

I have not been wanting to record another podcast today, nor work on any movie project, though I still have hours of footage to work from. I was able to get a lot of one of my long-and-tedious novels in better shape: edits, cutting, more cutting and combining. Saved it. Printed. That was my morning. Doing it on my own, and it’s a good thing. Emptied the trash—just normal day-to-day things. Taking it easy and easy does it.

The ease can be almost difficult to take, just like when I might be meditating—oh I did that, too, earlier and I will again today. I’m doing very well with that, and my whole quest for self-actualization and peace of mind—again, but the moments feel "difficult" at times because I’m not used to it, to them... to this. Just good music, well-behaved kittens, my own space, nothing like the “addictive” behavior on Twitter, and all the hectic organization and updating I would otherwise want to do on the Internet. Really, just taking it easy.

Its proper use is to amuse the idle, and relax the studious, and dilute the full meals of those who cannot use exercise, and will not use abstinence.

-<a class="StrictlyAutoTagAnchor" title="View all articles about Samuel Johnson here" href="http://www.jharnisch.com/tag/samuel-johnson">Samuel Johnson

I have decided to write this out because something intangible usually becomes accessible when I write in my  zone of solitude—this great and wondrous solitude. So far what I’ve learned because I wrote what I have so far: this is something, more prolonged than an hour mediation. I haven’t had this in years, and thus I’m finding it “difficult,” but that’s not the right word. Just that I’m not used to this, but I am learning to get used to it.

Osho would probably nod his head to my day. I like Osho.

It’s strange, I thought the first thing I would write on this post would be about this one project I’ve been working on for the last couple hours—scanning thousands of pages—and thousands to come—of cabinets filled with old novels, screenplays and notes, notes, and more notes, in my stacks of already-organized file cabinets, in order to have a PDF of each file—messy or not—so that I may eventually be able to get rid of at least three or four file cabinets here in the Club, and more books but smaller-in-size and self-published (just for me, privately) as I’m simplifying and de-cluttering—making space.

I’m learning that I am making space in my mind—it feels like a Zen 'habit.' Is that a term? ...When the scanner jams or a page is missed, I might decide or not to re-scan some stack of notes, I take an easy-going break, and maybe have a cigarette, though, I haven’t been smoking much today—that, too, is good: plain and simple. I’m relaxed. Feeling like I don’t have energy, to set up for a podcast or work on bigger projects, but then I think of how in the moment I am, with energy, in fact, and nothing is bothering me.

After all, I have been doing what I love most: productivity, and better, being alone—more like, having my own space. I am making a great deal of progress on my files to hard-cover books (double-sided—again, in order to save space) and well, I’ve posted some blogs today. I have let go of checking all of my websites and stats and hits, yet earlier I was looking through some of my other pages, even syndications of Porcelain Utopia—my favorite is this Zimbio thing which I still haven’t the faintest clue of what it is, exactly, or how I first came across it. My music, some writing sites, and random profiles, The Real Me podcast syndication sites—I hope that’s the right word: syndication... It seems that whenever I post anything, even a Tweet, so many other sites pick it up.

My oh my, I searched my name (which I have been working on changing—what I mean is certain profiles and even my band name, Schizophrenic and Caregiver no longer has the “featuring Jonathan Harnisch” part. It’s not as important to me now that at first I’d put my name everywhere, while these days as I’m learning more about SEO (search engine optimization) and so I try to list my name when I want it to come up closer to the top of a Google search, for example. Many sites I own or am listed on have hundreds of thousands of hits, likes, etc., and that sort of thing just blows me away. The Internet is one powerful mechanism. At least I got my name out there, at the start of my “coming out of the schizophrenic closet,” as I wanted, because I have so many of you “on my side,” writing, being influenced by the things I do, creatively.

I always wanted just one person—a stranger, to feel something—even if it's disdain, from my work. And that has been accomplished a million times over.

So, as I continue to relax and just be. Being with self, with this Zen moment… Boy I yearn and long for these days. Days like today, when nothing is disturbed. A sense of peace.

I do. I be. I am.

I stay here as long as the universe allows.

May we all remain centered and calm, letting all other cares go, all other thoughts… just be.

I’m happy today. That’s all that matters.

The Now. The moment… Until any symptoms of schizophrenia might want to resurface. Not worried about it. The new days are like an adventure. Today I’m on the pond, still, and OK.

I’ll look back at this when I might feel the need to, here, as I stamp the moments passing today as, “Jonathan, you’re doing great.” And that’s it.

I hope you all can meet me here, when you can.

From my heart…

Jonathan Harnisch

I Am Jonathan - Opening to the Confusion of Schizophrenia

"I am Jonathan"

<a title="I am Jonathan" href="http://www.iamjonathan.net/" target="_blank">http://www.iamjonathan.net/

"I'm sure some of you will find it hard to watch this video. I can only say for me, I found it very eye opening as to the confusion and what must feel like hell to live at times as a schizophrenic. I would HIGHLY recommend reading some of Jonathan’s writing before you watch the film. Why, you may ask? Because he is <a class="StrictlyAutoTagAnchor" title="View all articles about ONE here" href="http://www.jharnisch.com/tag/one">ONE hell of an inspiration and shares words of hope along with positive thinking. The man has MORE guts and determination than I can imagine." -C.T. via Facebook

[vimeo 36605543 w=700 h=393]

Having retired from professional filmmaking, this had been where I left off--a study of psychosis and schizoaffective disorder as I saw it through the schizophrenic lens in 2009 and 2010.

"I am Jonathan" is intended to be educational; target audience being grad students in psychology and counseling.

It's just time for me to let it go, at this point in my life. I do hope it might prove helpful, offer hope and understanding of what schizoaffective is like for me on a daily basis.

I continue my recovery though not cured. It’s a devastating illness, isolating and often indescribable. I continue to look for hope, distractions, humor and inspiration, especially in the arts.

This is the best I could do with the project. To continue is just not an option as my cognitive abilities have declined over the years.Thank you. You all mean the world to me.

Sincerely,

<a class="StrictlyAutoTagAnchor" title="View all articles about Jonathan Harnisch here" href="http://www.jharnisch.com/tag/jonathan-harnisch">Jonathan Harnisch

 

Interpersonal Relationships: Schizophrenia

To enhance any relationship, first find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship, the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.

Regarding "interpersonal relationships—"

I‘d like to make the point that it is a challenge for everyone in one way or another.

We tend to have different variables that affect the challenges we face:

(a) Organic/physiological variables—neurological in nature  (e.g. schizophrenia, autism, head injures, etc.)
(b) External variables—environmental factors

Everybody has environmental factors; it's a part of being human.  Our histories determine how this variable impacts our relationships.

In a way, most of us have organic factors at some point in our lives. Either we are born with them, or, as we age, our brains change and this has an effect on our thought processes. However, MS, dementia, strokes, and other variables may occur later in life. And these too tend to affect our interpersonal relationships.

Due to my organic factor being part schizophrenia and part autism, and the stress and disturbances of my peace of mind which my disrupted interpersonal relationships has had over my life, and still ongoing, I have taken my psychologist’s suggestion that we address this issue. I think it will help, and I can begin by deciding if/when I feel comfortable talking about it. As a highly sensitive person, when working on it, I believe that it would suit better to do this very slowly.

Jonathan Harnisch

 

Life is a Game if You Choose it to Be

Restored Post from April 2, 2011—

Therapy can be tough. I have always seen psychiatrists for therapy and not psychologists, all these years. I never knew there was any difference. Just that psychiatrists prescribe medicine and psychologists generally do not. The psychologist I see definitely listens more and seems to help in a different way with conflict resolution kinds of issues. My psychiatrist is terrific, as well. And just like my caregivers—they all are good to see and talk with for different reasons. They all offer a balance of good ideas, approaches, and energies. I am happy with all whom I work with for my mental illness needs, whether they are medicine adjustments, working on particular issues I want help with, or just plain companionship, and help around the house and with my projects.

My psychologist and I talked a lot about being better communicators, and since I felt grounded in relaxation and reality, it was difficult to bring myself to the places where I am not grounded so as to resolve some of the issues that come up, especially with communication techniques, when I am more manic or even psychotic.

As for now, all those in my support team have come up with certain “code words” like calling a “truce” when something uncomfortable comes up while talking or writing—something that is potentially a misunderstanding or coming from a place of anger or frustration. Something that feels like if we kept talking about whatever it is at the time, that it’s approaching a dead end of sorts, or rather a circle of never-ending non-resolution. We call, “Truce,” and take ten minutes to step aside and then come back to re-enter the conversation with refreshed minds. Then try again.

This technique seems to be working out beautifully so far, and if it stops working for some reason, then we’ll come up with something else. As they say, “Life is a process…” I love that idea. It’s comforting to realize that. The process is going well. It’s working. It’s making my days, my “new” life.

I recommend taking on whatever anyone has going on with their lives that doesn’t feel right, to tackle it. Life, heaven and hell, can be a deadly war or a peaceful war. But it’s all a challenge, almost a game, but only if you choose to see it that way, and if you are able to choose to see it that way.

Interesting note: I actually caught myself in a manic episode last night. I realized it (became aware of it, and identified) all on my own, took my PRNs and watched a movie (stopped working although that’s all I wanted to do—was to work) and still managed to get to sleep on time: around 10:30. Woke up bright and early and terrific, and celebrated my morning. Was excited about it. Exalted in my day ahead.

My commitment to lowering caffeine intake has been successful for several days now. Lowered my intake by about 75% or so. I don’t find much difference in how it affects me and I’m not one to get headaches, so I’m not suffering too much from withdrawal symptoms. I’m still sticking to waters, caffeine-free Diet Cokes, smokes, and balanced foods, so as to reverse the diabetes, which seems to be nearly totally reversed. I will find out in a couple weeks I think. When I get my next blood work-up. The last year and a half, I have lost 85 pounds, and it feels fantastic.

The diabetes is most definitely something I could deal without.

So, yes, therapy can be work. Can be tough. But no tougher than doing something you enjoy. And its focus is to help you. Who wouldn’t want that?

Stay positive and real. The next Real Me audio blog might be postponed (was going to bang out another one this afternoon but we have other things going on here on the Compound which might need to take precedence.) Will let you know. Basically I try for about three episodes per week.

As for now, continue to “get your daily dose of Jonathan right here and now!” and if you are looking for a totally awesome book about psychosis, I am currently reading The Far Side of Madness. I feel like it is explaining the interactions in my mind precisely. I am fascinated with how the mind integrates such concepts as metaphors, symbols, and myths. I am intrigued with how the mind involves the subconscious mind, and the ego, id, and super ego. John Weir Perry writes about such theories and ideas in The Far Side of Madness. The Complete Family Guide to Schizophrenia also tops my list for books about Sz. A lot of the information in these two books has been helping me regain my life and improve my state of mind and the states of mind of those I love and those who love me.

Be well, and celebrate today!

Jonathan Harnisch

I Thought I Was a Prophet After My Schizophrenic Break

I thought I was a prophet - Salon.com

After my schizophrenic break, I couldn't even trust my own mind -- and it would be a long road back from the abyss...

BY MICHAEL HEDRICK