Find Porcelain Utopia on many social networks.
The latest is the Facebook Group:
The Porcelain Utopia Gang!
www.facebook.com/groups/porcelainutopia
Open to All!
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Wounded Inner Child
THE WOUNDED INNER CHILD:
Recovered from April 2012:
As I cry my eyes out, paranoid as all hell; trapped, and having to deal with it every single day:
Re: "The Wounded Inner Child"
There is something about being loved and protected by a parent (or guardian) knowing that I can be loved for who I am, not what I can do, or might one day become. Unfortunately it’s not usually like this in every single situation. From time to time my parents made mistakes during my childhood. Possibly I was the mistake, or unwanted. But I don’t know. I had every material thing that I could have ever wanted, but there was still something missing, as if I felt distanced from my parents, or misunderstood, in the ways that they treated me. At times I had felt completely loved and accepted by my parents, but for one reason or another, they were unable to care for me, provide for me, in some ways that would have been very important.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying to make up for the experiences in life that were absent when I was a child.
It is not flesh and blood but the heart, which makes us fathers and sons.
-Johann Schiller
My father and I have always had a dysfunctional relationship, and for the most part, no relationship at all. Yet my father is in full control of every single aspect of my life, legally—everything. The document is what I'm referring to. It basically forced me to take a vow of poverty and submission. I had no choice but to re-define my values and what things were and are really important to me. I hope to post the Trust document at some point. It’s something that nobody in his or her right mind would have signed, and yet I did not sign it. I was not in New York anytime around the time and place of my “signature” stamp. I have proof of this—phone records, emails, IP addresses, security camera footage, and doctor’s notes as to where I was—in California at my doctor’s office. A Notary Public also signed the document, yet, [thoughts trail off…] I believe with money, comes power. And this includes such power as in power over the courts, and even politics. Not millions of dollars, but billions. I’m referring to Bill Gates’ kind of money and thus power—control.
There is so much I would like to say to my father, at the same time—nothing at all. A numb feeling takes over when it comes to the thought of my father, which one might think would be very sad, unfortunate and tragic, but again, as it’s no longer anger, but the numb, apathetic, uninterested, immobilized, and if anything callous feelings that come up. But, more—[thoughts, a hurting, and massive tears trailing off, again...] having to accept my fate, our fates, and all the further loss, hurt and consequences that are bound to come, by law, that will affect a large part of the world, as my father and my family are exceptionally well-known and influential public figures. They have made many seriously profound impressions and contributions through global philanthropy, for example.
I have read Martha Stout’s http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martha_Stout “The Sociopath Next Door” http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X among countless other books in order to learn some answers of “Why?”—Why does my father and my family behave so mysteriously manipulating and crafty?—Bordering on diabolical.
At first it was very difficult for me to accept that my father might have as Ms. Stout calls, “no conscience,” yet, I was more relieved to see that this was actually a common character type. I was able to get a glimpse, just a glimpse, into the sociopath’s mind, perhaps.
“If you're the father of a little boy, there's a good chance that right now, you are enjoying a very close connection with your son. He probably idolizes everything you do—dressing up in your clothes, imitating the way you read the paper or the way you stand when you talk. He tries to do everything you do and works hard to make sure he has your attention and your approval. You can see in your little boy's eyes that he is utterly convinced that you are without a doubt the ultimate man in the world…”
Continued on the blog by my good friends at Healthy Place:
http://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/dads/connection-between-father-and-son/
My father recently wrote me. At least I hope it was he who wrote. Often I find that other people are hired to write on his behalf, sign on his behalf, and even make decisions on his behalf. I have no contact info for him and I’m blocked on every email and phone number he owns, which is why this blog seems like the only way to even reply to him, or to communicate at all.
I know that I am often a very bad person—a lot of times, perhaps most times. There is so much about me that I have done wrong, hurtful attacks, etc., pure evil. I wouldn’t even know where to begin—and I also don’t care to. Even still, I have skeletons in my closet. Time will unclose them, I hope.
I do believe I am a good person underneath it all, and a beautiful creature who happens to be a very troubled and deeply disturbed adult with an especially wounded inner child and a past full of war-like trauma, which to this day causes me to still be that sad, angry, brutal and malicious person, and I have heard it from so many people, too. I think you know about the unending series of relationships that, because of me (having schizophrenia with bipolar, or not—) have ended, on particularly bad notes.
I only have so many issues I am literally able to take on at once, and I believe that I do exceptionally well as I work on myself, through therapy, and personal mediations, education, even speaking with the voices I hear due to the schizophrenia—both the voices of paranoia and the angelic spirit guides who I see and interact with on a daily basis. Yes, I am literally “crazy.” Schizophrenia and Post Traumatic, even “Presently-Traumatic” Stress Disorder, has shaped a lot of my life and yet, I still make my own choices.
All this while I still, every day… [Thought trails off…] If I would like him to “know” anything about me, I so often ask God to bring me back to Baby Jesus—for the chaos, the feeling completely trapped—in my home, in my mind, in therapy, in public, in private—I want it to end so much. I can’t tell you how much. But suicide is not an option. Recovery and hope are the only options—gratitude.
There’s good and evil, so-to-speak—what I call the Angel Demon Human Dichotomy—in everyone. I believe that I have “signed up” for all of this—all of it, for me to have, to deal with. And hopefully overcome, on my own, on my own accord. In this lifetime, and so to make better for my next incarnation.
On that topic, I believe that I am actually the future life (reincarnation) of his father, my grandfather—who did have schizophrenia, diagnosed in the hospital in New York, and who ended up taking his own life. I think he chose to live, but it was just a second too late. I have, in deep meditation, experienced his life, his feeling trapped, his unspeakable strange occurrences in his mind, and his self-doubt.
I do choose to post the positive things I do on Porcelain Utopia, the quotes, the motivational/inspirational material (along with my transgressions) even when Satan is looking over my shoulder. It's completely real—for me, likely due to the symptoms of schizophrenia, yet maybe not, says some of the latest medical studies and reports.
I do not write the positivity I do because my life is necessarily at peace, but often, I will post a positive quote because I believe in it, but more, because I want that, to manifest positivity in my life when it is lacking it.
The full spectrum of Jonathan Harnisch is an extremely complicated one. I am just about 100% sure that I have forgiven my father, but more myself. I need to, and I need to feel, believe and think it—to live it. There is no cure for my condition—not yet—only treatment. The difference between the two is tremendous. I also have a baker’s dozen other diagnoses as well. I have to pick and choose which to work on, which to heal, and which to let go.
Paranoid, Paranoid, Paranoid.
Delusional.
My experiences aren't real, but I can't tell.
I just want to be loved for who I am, to restore the honor and protection—safety—I perhaps should have had as a little boy, but was unable to have because of natural circumstances, which on a soul level, all the absences, I have chosen. You and I now differ a lot; from the clothes we wear, to our beliefs, values, needs and wants. I have recently taken on some healing-my-inner-child work. Who knows what’s next?
So often, I truly hate my life and who I am. I hardly trust a soul these days. Living in a perpetual state of fear and distrust—a living [fill in the blank] because I can no longer write any more at least for now. In tears for the last hour or so because of the hurt this writing causes me.
Take me.
-Jonathan Harnisch
Friday, July 20, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Words Really Matter
Now That’s What I Call Love!
This Morning’s E-Mail to My Darling Wife—We’re Pictured Above—Today!
Dear Readers,
…And today is yet again, the best day of my life, and will only continue to get even better…
Good Morning Baby,
How are you feeling?
Please keep me posted on your well-being and feelings. I care and I love you, and not to worry or anything about me, I can take care of my appointment with Dr. F, [psychiatrist] the meds we do (or don't) (...I mean change) I only have good thoughts about you. I have possibly two projects--a video and audio project, likely a podcast; and possibly a 3rd written (Porcelain Utopia blog). And have good direction from Darlene—[spiritual advisor—Guru!]—and all else, even you! So, chin up, honey! OK? Just feel your feelings, good and bad, maybe read some good old Pema! Pema Chodron, of course! :) She's good for this stuff you're going through, and I can surely recommend other authors and things if you'd ever like me to, given a certain subject in the self-help/inspiration/emotional times, kind of things.
As for me, I've got this overall/underlying "emotional disregulation" in which basically Marsha Linehan has, in the last couple of years or so, revised the same DBT therapies which had been initially intended for self-harm and other conditions to the Borderline patient, but now even in The New York Times, recently, it was written up how the basically same DBT model, is actually stretching out, and proving to help/guide those with a much broader gamut of mental health conditions, especially the affective disorders, anxiety, and Sz, etc. Dr. K [CBT therapist] summed up my life (the good and "bad") as I had asked him; it seems and is fact, that all my past, and all my Sz is still there inside, essentially masked by the medication, so that, "Hey what is the 'root'?” Because I don't think I need to actually spend a lifetime every therapy session going through each topic, good and bad (that was the key, not just the bad)—that I was certain that psychology had a root, an 'answer.'"
Dr. K's eyes widened and he said "Ah! I know exactly what it is your saying and looking for and I think I have the answer." So it's an "emotional disregulation" and as to not dive right into it, but to just look it over, simple and easy, and not that I have to nor even should go to yet another outpatient program, just that Marsha Linehan had refined the DBT to help with this all-encompassing life stuff, especially when I just want "pause life" (I mention this just to mention, not to suggest to you and not to get into 'about me,' yet to inspire you that all these life issues have possible answers/guides).
Honey, sometimes the best "medicine" is free, and that could mean your alone time, even your own "pausing of life" but also you have me and to me that is the "overall."
Loving you...
Having just woken up, and not expecting to have written you such a long note, I hope I might have touched you, so that you know I care and love you deeply.
Jonathan <3
Reply From My Lovely Wife:
Honey,
This wonderful email deserves a much much longer response, so let me grab a cup of coffee and a quick shower, and I'll respond…
Thank you for being so available. I love you more than words can tell. My love for you is incredibly incredibly deep.
I have Linehan's book on DBT if you or Dr. K would like it. It's an honest-to-god textbook written for practitioners. I believe she had pushed for the term emotional disregulation instead of borderline personality disorder.
Words Really Matter
And you know, she herself suffered from borderline or emotional disregulation.
I love you. Off I go to my shower and coffee.
Love,
Maureen
PS: I'm seriously considering buying 2 small goats, who could keep us weed free. Ideas?
Now That’s What I Call Love!
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
Saturday, July 7, 2012
You Are Never Alone
You Are Never Alone.
(At the same time, one can make "being alone" quite a treasure)
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
The Real Me Podcast with Jonathan Harnisch
Episode 85 Coming Soon! Below is through 82 only. iTunes has them all!
The Real Me Podcast with Jonathan Harnisch
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/therealmepodcast
Jonathan Harnisch
A Re-Introduction of Jonathan Harnisch's Schizophrenia
A Li'l E.M.W. [Early Morning Writing] Session
012
[caption id="attachment_8300" align="aligncenter" width="432"]
New Morning Dew; Not a Wig![/caption]A Re-Introduction of Jonathan Harnisch's Schizophrenia:
In medicine, the term comorbidity is either the presence of one or more disorders (or diseases) in addition to a primary disease or disorder, or the effect of such additional disorders or diseases—I have a form of schizophrenia called schizoaffective disorder. Schizophrenia is a disease of the brain that affects cognition, behavior, and social functioning. Schizoaffective disorder is schizophrenia plus a mood disorder. In my case: bipolar disorder. Both are complex disorders, and both fascinate me. I’m always trying to understand my own mind and experiences. Schizophrenia, by itself is known to be a long-term mental disorder, or disease, depending on the source, which involves a breakdown in the relationship between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to inaccurate perceptions and faulty interpretations of reality as compared to the interpretation of reality by someone who is mentally healthy. In addition, inappropriate actions and feelings tend to occur, withdrawal from reality, “dissociation,” withdrawal from personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation. That is why I think I have chosen art as my hobby—not as my profession, but my life.
My entire life is a work-in-progress, a work of art that is fueled by my illness. Recently, I have been on my way to being “recovered not cured.” My entire life is spent recovering. My life in general hasn’t always been this way but, in short, as many thought processes and systems seem to play a large part of my experiences, my life frequently feels like an LSD trip—sometimes for the better sometimes not. Sure, hallucinations, voices, and all the well-known symptoms are involved, and I prefer not to be beaten by something I can laugh at—so yes, of course it’s devastating and debilitating, day by day, minute by minute, but when I can, I laugh, as laughter is, indeed, the ultimate medicine. Some days I have schizophrenia; schizophrenia doesn’t have me, and some days, schizophrenia completely has me. Today, for example, is not the best day, but I believe it is—so it is. It is the best day of my life. I playfully, but with all sincerity, believe that I am schizophrenia, in the sense that the mechanisms of the illness dictate my experiences, actions, and so on. I just do my best to have my say, to use my mind, which is the “problem” in order to fix my mind, which again is the problem—sure that’s “insanity!”
I tend to have a very difficult time with having a “pressure” of thought and thus often a pressure in communicating—not that oh, I just talk too much—it’s real. What’s called my executive thinking has declined over the years, since I was a teenager—and yet I went to the best schools, lived a pretty interesting and intense life, certainly a privileged life—yet most of it has been lost. Rather, not completely lost—I have gained as well as I have lost. As I said, I have a form of schizophrenia called schizoaffective, and a personality disorder not otherwise specified which means that it does not fit any single one in particular—but a “landscape,” perhaps. I have Tourette’s syndrome, even now as an adult. And anxiety, which for the most part derives from a series of traumatic events in my life—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is the medical diagnosis. It has taken years for psychiatrists to put that much together, and yes, it’s a handful, to say the least.
I accept my illnesses and yet I take it as simply being my eccentricity and just rolling with that! Making it as good and as fun as I can! What are my other options? Accept or not accept. How can you not accept who you are?
I consider myself an accomplished writer, producer, and musician. I blog and I host a podcast about mental illness and inspiration, and I write transgressive fiction. Transgressive fiction is, in a way, similar to erotica, but with a twist of some more disturbing elements. Fight Club is considered transgressive fiction, and it’s one of my favorite films. This might come across as controversial but Fight Club actually mirrors a lot of my experiences, though even in the book, or the movie—it is not about schizophrenia, or multiple personality disorder. Neither the book nor the movie ever even mentions the word.
I subscribe to the idea—the action—the results and consequences of doing something each day—even today, and for now, just today—doing something today that my future self will thank me for. I’m always preparing for that: my future, my future life, my next incarnation—always doing and creating—my art. My life.
Day-to-day? I’ll start and stay right here and now and I choose… I choose to live my life today by choice, not by chance. To make changes, not excuses, to be motivated, not manipulated.
I choose self-esteem. As I create my day, as I set it up, doing my part so that the illness doesn’t do it for me, I choose self-esteem not pity. My inner voice—not the schizophrenic voices of, call me crazy—but Satan, OK? I know him well. Actually get along with him these days, and see? I have what’s called an insight or high metacognition, which is again, quite rare in schizophrenics, yes, I’m a schizo—I can laugh at that idea—I take responsibility for that. I own it. And I love it. It makes me feel good. Helps exorcise the demons—and I know that sounds ridiculous—it is ridiculous! It’s not necessarily real. But it is to me, even while I am aware that it is simply, a symptom of my illness.
My inner voice: I live a very spiritual life a New Age kind of life. I’m interested in that. I let my intuition—my sometimes, rather psychic abilities—guide me. Yet there’s a gray area, because this is yet another overlapping effect: is this my schizophrenia? Or are some of the impressions I get—or even voice—are they the Voice of God, or Spirit, or simply nothing at all? Why did a voice tell me randomly, just a few weeks ago, the square root of 587? I typed it into my calculator and it was right. I called my wife once—she was out one day, and I asked her what happened, that something was wrong. And she had had a small car accident I believe—everything was OK but there still seems to be a lot of misunderstandings of what this is all about. Mental illness, in general, is what I’m referring to, the further we can get in and articulate what is inside the mentally ill mind the better able we’ll be to understand what we consider “illness.” And, maybe one day with this understanding, science might be able to cure more disabilities.
My future self will thank me for what I am doing today. So, that’s my little off-the-cuff introduction. I hope to inspire courage and break stigma, and to express myself, because that, to me, is what being an artist is about.
www.facebook.com/porcelainutopiablog
The world is working in your favor; overall, of course. Be sure to get on board with the new Porcelain Utopia Facebook Group:
www.facebook.com/groups/porcelainutopia/
"The Porcelain Utopia Gang" is our official forum-based platform for all to post, comment and interact. Be true to yourself and say Yes to Life.
The Porcelain Utopia Gang:
6:30 PM 6 JUNE 2012
To The Gang: Just returned from the Salon for the newest of wild afro dews. Photos and Video Documentary is in the can--up for an edit and share. Porcelain Utopia is my Life and I'm here working on a variety of new and some older projects while rebuilding the Blog & Website from its unfortunate 'database massacre.' Always coming through. Happiness is the Overall Picture and I invite you all to share your stories, big and small. Be sure to Like the actual page for Porcelain Utopia at http://www.facebook.com/porcelainutopiablog We've got over 1,200 friends [the Us’] of PU in its first month. As always, be true to yourself, and believe in it all; say Yes to Life. It works and the world is working in your favor, overall, of course. A new clearer Self in this constantly unraveling mystery of Jonathan Harnisch is taking place due to the start of a new medication for schizophrenia called Latuda. And look forward to a project that is just in its beginning: a blogger who is working with me through a series of interviews, developing a website that enters deep into the minds of thought-provoking artists with so-called mental disorders. Be well and be yourself! May your journey be continually blessed.
012
Let's get this group and all else really running now! Today, as for my own things, ah...see, I made long a list of about 30 items: small things like ordering AA batteries, and to begin such-and-such film or book project, as there are literally 30-50 pretty major undertakings [unfinished larger-scale projects in the archives]... That small personal stuff aside, I'm feeling a big "NO." In other words, it's Saturday; it's the weekend, for crying out loud. Jonathan needs, as we all do, to Let It Go and be easy of the self. Seriously. So, to take the day as it comes, ride with the ebb and flow, and "GO." But...that's it. To just do 'whatever,' and without any pressure... Today is just today, just a time in the landscape of my life. And I'm choosing it. Ah, now I'll have my coffee and a ciggie (I know, I know...) but hey; a good day, it is. Indeed! May your day and your journey be blessed and real and true, to yourself! That's it for now!
"Maybe [mental illness] is not that bad," explains psychiatrist Dr. Gorman; I recommend excellent study:
Runaway Mind:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ndbmedia/2012/06/17/runaway-mind-guest-host-andy-behrman
…with renowned author Andy Behrman: http://twitter.com/electroboyusa
http://www.jharnisch.com/recommended-sites/electroboy/
…interviewing for his first time, smashingly well, as guest-host on this interaction-focused discussion of group therapy models and other treatment-related topics. Well worth a listen. Fresh & new material. Stigma is tackled. Follow:
@BeautifulMindsR
http://www.twitter.com/BeautifulMindsR
-Jonathan Harnisch [The Real Me Podcast]:
www.facebook.com/therealmepodcast
-Jonathan Harnisch
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Jonathan Harnisch - Schizophrenia Demystified – Jonathan Harnisch
We all have our issues. It’s how we deal with them that sets us apart.
See on jwharnisch.livejournal.com
Go Within » Porcelain Utopia
Go within…When we invest more energy in developing our spiritual lives, the outer world begins to take care of itself.
See on www.jharnisch.com
Inner Divine Love » Porcelain Utopia
Through intense deep meditation you reach a state that is beyond thought, beyond change, beyond imagination, beyond differences and duality.
...
See on www.jharnisch.com
This, Too, Shall Pass » Porcelain Utopia
Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.
...
See on www.jharnisch.com
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
This, Too, Shall Pass
Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.
-Ann Landers
And to quote the Great Ted Williams:
"Just keep going. Everybody gets better if they keep at it."
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
Weever Apps: Throwing A Terrific Contest!
Friends, fans and fellow-bloggers:
Got some great news for those who also blog or have a colleague who does!
Wanted to let you all know that my good friends at Weever Apps are throwing a contest for 45 days to celebrate their one-year anniversary!
http://weeverapps.com/contest/
Weever's been a huge part of the successes on the mobile version of Porcelain Utopia. I share this opportunity not as an advertisement, I'm not "getting paid" or anything; it's a great opportunity for my friends and fans who also blog!
Porcelain Utopia on Weever Apps Mobile:
http://weeverapp.com/app/www.jharnisch.com
Over 30 Million Hits In The Matter Of A Few Months!
Take a look for yourself!
How to Get 26 Million Hits in Less Than a Year
http://weeverapps.com/how-to-get-26-million-hits-in-less-than-a-year/
I recommend entering for terrific opportunity; if not, please help get the word out to anyone who might have an interest. I and surely the folks at Weever Apps would greatly appreciate it! You will, too!
http://weeverapps.com/contest/
Monday, July 2, 2012
Anticipation
ANTICIPATION
The Power of Decisions:
“Sir, what is the secret of your success?” a reporter asked a successful CEO.
-TWO WORDS
“What are those two words, Sir?”
-GOOD DECISIONS
“How do you make good decisions?”
-ONE WORD
“And that one word is?”
-EXPERIENCE
“How do you get experience, Sir?”
-TWO WORDS
“Now, what are they, Sir?”
-BAD DECISIONS
For me the faster I make decisions, though not always—sometimes sleeping on them works for the better—but the faster I might make certain decisions, more through intuition and that 'gut feeling' we all get now and then... I often find, the less anxiety and thus, the less stress I'll experience as a result.
This essentially makes me happier and healthier. Most of my stress and worry, as uncomfortable as they are—we all know, they seem to generally come not from actual occurrences, but more, from... and here I’ll use ONE WORD:
ANTICIPATION.
Hoping this is finding you well and at peace.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Harnisch
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